Guilt serves a purpose – it shows us where we went wrong.

You struggle delegating as feel uncomfortable asking for support.

You struggle to negotiate, and find it difficult to ask for raises at work.

You play “caretaker” a lot, whether that’s that’s with friends or partners.You feel guilty asking for what you want.

You can’t bear hurting other people’s feelings.

You have a tendency to put other people’s needs before your own.

You have difficulty recognising what you want in life (big and small decisions).

You feel guilty for disagreeing with people.

Deep down believing that if you shift the focus to your own needs, you’ll be faced with the rejection you feared as a child. In fact, you might even struggle to recognise that you have needs.īecause of this, you might find yourself racked with guilt anytime you need to assert yourself or uphold boundaries. The problem is, you can’t please everyone, and in trying to do so, you lose sight of your own needs. You find your value in pleasing and serving others. Whatever it was, you were instilled with the belief that it was your responsibility to take care of people. Or perhaps the guilt came about through subtle messages (“I don’t know what I’d do without you”, “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine”). There might have been the sense that no matter what you did, it was never enough. In these cases, the child ended up feeling responsible for protecting and caring for their parent. An example might be having to look after a chronically ill or depressed parent. More often than not, a guilt-tripping inner dialogue develops for people who were heavily relied upon as children – either physically or emotionally. This might have been in a very direct way (it was said in clear, plain terms) or indirectly (it was implied through actions). If guilt is a familiar emotion to you, these belief systems about yourself and what you should be doing were likely passed down to you. And whilst they might have helped us as we were growing up, they hold us back from reaching our potential in adult life. The problem is, overtime these “voices” become integrated into our personality. Like this, it helps us survive – ensuring we maintain the connection we so desperately need. It is formed to help keep us “in-check”, to behave in such a way that we fit in, and to save us from further ridicule or shame. Our inner critic serves a powerful purpose. As children, we’re vulnerable – we need the protection and care of adults in order to survive. Initially, the inner critic develops as a way of protecting us. Just as someone who grew up in a cruel or neglectful household is likely to have a more punishing one, telling them they’re “worthless” or that they’ll “never make it”. Someone who grew up in a household that was success-driven is likely to have a very pressurising inner critic, one that tells them to work harder “or else”.

Let’s look at a couple of examples for how this can play out. What your inner critic sounds like (and the stories it tells) has a lot to do with the kinds of messages you received growing up. We all have an “inner critic”, but some of us have a much louder, harsher one than others. If you’re feeling guilty for no reason, it can usually be traced back to your past. Guilt doesn’t just arrive out of the blue. Let’s start by saying no one is born with these kinds of thoughts. “Putting other people’s needs before my own is always the right thing to do”.“It’s my responsibility to make sure people are happy”.“If I don’t put others first, I’m a selfish person”.If you find yourself feeling guilty a lot of the time, you might relate to some of the following thoughts:

You feel less than, inadequate somehow – but you’re not sure why. No matter what you do or how hard you try to help people out, you can’t shake the feeling that you’re never quite “enough”. Do you have a sense that you’ve always done something wrong, but it’s difficult to place what that is? Or perhaps when something does go wrong, you’re the first to take the blame…

Feeling sad for no reason